it's been about a week since we returned from the meditation retreat. since arriving back in taipei last thursday evening, i've been ticking off the well-known sights of the city, and recovering--if that is the appropriate word--from our week at the mountain.
what can i say about the retreat? wow. or whoa. it was comparable in many ways to the week-long bicycle ride that i did with my dad, mei-yen, and fran a couple of years ago: long, solemn stretches trying to "pay no attention" to the discomfort in my body and mind, interspersed with eating and sleeping. but in many other ways, the week was incomparable to anything i've experienced before, and i found it most of the time to be an incredibly difficult week. but for all the reasons it was difficult, i am incredibly glad to have participated.
in order to maximize the effectiveness of the meditation practice, the retreat limited our sensory input and output: no speaking, very few things to listen to, simple food and water, a beautiful but austere setting in the mountains. within the first few sessions of meditating, my mind had run out of the data it needed to fuel its typical pattern of hashing out my surroundings, reviewing recent interactions, etc. it was like silt settling in still water, and it uncovered a second layer of thoughts that only sporadically make their way to the surface: very old memories, songs and phrases, lingering feelings, faces and scenes. more sitting, and my mind began to loosen its grasp on those thoughts, too. for brief moments, my mind was still and it was incredibly peaceful.
without the energy spent on talking and overthinking things like i usually do, all that energy was pent up inside me and, towards the middle of the week, i felt more and more like a cauldron, ready to overflow. sitting with correct posture, that energy started to move quickly through my body, and sometimes my teeth would chatter or i would suddenly realize that i was swaying. but the heat created felt good--it kept me warm and made it so much easier to sit with my legs tightly crossed for hours on end. in fact, the times when i wasn't sitting well-- too distracted or something similar-- my legs never warmed up and attempting to stand up would remind me of this fully. when i sat still, and relaxed, i really enjoyed my time sitting and looked forward to getting back on the cushion. when i was tense, or having trouble, the sitting was like an endless hillclimb.
because of the unique characteristics of my body--very hot, in chinese medicine terms--i was restricted to a diet of steamed veggies and rice during the week. not used to this new arrangement, my body protested via a wicked, but quickly passing, head cold and general feelings of weakness and discomfort on and off throughout the week. i spent the fourth day sleeping, after the most magical meal of cold medicine, hot soup and toast. waking up, it was a new world: my head was clear and i felt stronger than i had all week. the women at my dinner table, watching these various states unfold before their eyes, were incredibly kind and never let me do a dish all week. even though we were silent, and the language barrier prevented them from fully understanding my whispered commentary to my translator (i did get to speak a little bit!), i felt their compassion and it was much appreciated. at the end of the retreat, after we were able to speak again, many of them approached me, and in very broken english told me they had daughters my age. and could i give my email address so their daughters can write me to practice english?
i could write more about the retreat (maybe i will in upcoming posts) but i want to mention a bit about my adventures this week, here in taipei. lonely planet guide in hand, i've been making my way to the some of the most interesting and well-known parts of the city, and it's been incredibly enjoyable. i love riding the crowded, yet orderly, subway; getting food from street vendors when i can figure out what they're selling and how to order it; and ultimately seeing how taiwan became the place it is today.
a few sites of note, all relating to taiwanese political history.
1) the former estate of the president/dictator chiang kai-shek. sprawling gardens and paths, and a huge home, at the edge of taipei, one of fifteen of his estates. for fifty years, taiwan was under martial law, and this was the man at the helm, holding fast to his vision of returning to the mainland and restoring china to its full glory. the gardens are now maintained as a park, and i enjoyed smelling the many varieties of roses on the beautiful grounds, but felt odd walking around a place with such troublesome history. a highlight was discovering a small path up the hillside behind the estate, where i happened upon a white cement sanctuary built to honor the president's mother. from the top of the sanctuary you could see much of taipei, with none of the noise of the bustling city below, and a little translated sign mentioned that this is where the president often came to contemplate and brainstorm.
2) another place irrevocably tied to the former president, the chiang kai-shek memorial plaza, now called the "democracy memorial." ani and i visited at night a couple weeks ago, but i wanted to come back during daylight to walk up the eighty-nine steps (one for every year of the president's life) to the enormous, gentle-giant statue of him in a cavernous hall. the monument was erected to the prez just a few years after his death (early 1990's i, think) and by now, his name and other mention of him have been removed from the building and displays. but he still sits, facing china, looking very benevolent and wise--which is not really the way anyone i have spoken to remembers him, of course. i enjoyed all of the displays they've added to the hall which document, in photographs, taiwan's realization of a democratic election and the end of martial law. the pictures of people marching boldly together, carrying signs with slogans of hope and justice, were quite inspiring and i had the feeling that taiwan still holds democracy as a very precious commodity. certainly nothing to be taken for granted.
3) the 2.28 memorial museum. soon after the japanese returned taiwan to china in the late 1940s (japan had occupied the country from the turn of the century) conflict erupted as china attempted to reexert its authority over the island. beginning on february 28, 1947 the government massacred tens of thousands of taiwanese civilians, mostly well-educated and politically active men, virtually eliminating the professional class of doctors, lawyers, businessmen, local politicians, etc. the massacres marked the beginning of what is referred to as the "white terror" --the suppression of any political opposition, martial law and oppressive government tactics carried out by the KMT (chiang kai-shek's party)--which lasted another half century. wikipedia cites that over 140,000 taiwanese were jailed or murdered all together during this time period. the museum chronicles the japanese occupation and the events of 2.28, and with the help of an elderly volunteer who graciously dug up an english audio guide for me to use, i wandered the museum for much longer than i expected to, captivated by this history.
the next day, having dinner with locals, i brought up my visit to the museum and was rewarded with an earful about the ensuing martial law and taiwan's current relationship with china. all were in favor of an independent taiwan, and had many tales to tell of the barriers that prevent taiwan from asserting its independence, and the many reasons that china continues to have interest in keeping the island under its control.
today my explorations did not touch on politics or history: a drive up to yang ming mountain to ogle at the flower blossoms and verdant surroundings, then a visit to a water lily farm (i got my boots all muddy searching for perfectly sculpted lilies, my idea of a lovely afternoon), dinner, and a long drive home through taipei traffic.
more soon, i swear!
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